Home Sweet Home

On my drive home today, I had a lot of time to think….about my friends, family, love, career, the future.  The music was off and few phone calls were made.  It was just me and the beautiful open road.  I loved it!!

I was thinking how I have completely lost myself. I come from a small town where people seem to enjoy the simplest things in life.  It was all about high school football, good ol’ country music, and God.  I remembered how happy I was.  I took the yearbook camera everywhere I went, boys were the last thing on my mind, and community service was my passion.   Now, it seems like all I do is party, shop, and stress about how much I spend on the two.  What happened to that girl?  That girl who wanted to save the world.  The girl who wanted to live life with passion and motivated others to follow their dreams.  I get disgusted when my friends back at home look at me like I am successful.  I want to tell them that what I have, well, that’s not what life is about.  Life is about love.  I feel the most successful when I come home and I see my parents and my cute ba.  Sometimes, I just want to move  back home.  It would help my parents out, and I would be happy.    I feel comfort and secure here.

You know, I wasn’t suppose to come home today, but God knew I needed to. I love Him!  It’s like he knows when I am low and down, and he just points me to where I need to go to get my drive and motivation once again.

There are not a lot of things I like about myself.  However, the one thing I do like and admire about myself is my love for my family. I would do anything in the world for them!  My parents are the strongest people I have ever met.  As hard as they work and as many challenges God has put in their lives, I have NEVER heard them once stress or complain.   They always have a smile.  They always have the warmest hugs.  They always tell me everything is going to be ok.  I can’t wait to be the people that they are one day.  They don’t have the biggest bank accounts, but they have the biggest hearts I have ever seen.

I am going to change.  My mom made me realize today that I have lost something…my Faith.  I don’t trust anymore.  I forget that He is taking care of everything.   Okay, yeah I don’t like my job..WAH!  Yeah, I work 50+ hours,…WAH!  I mean, this should only be temporary until I figure out a new plan.  I should be soooo happy for eveything God has given to me!  I am so blessed.   It’s time for me to go back to ol’ me.  The girl who is happy dancing on the couch to oldies in a baggie t-shirt.  Yeah, I have a corporate America job and live in the city.  That shouldn’t define.  Yeah, I am not like all of my friends.  That shouldn’t influence me.  I should be me.  Well, she is here ya’ll! 🙂 Hope you guys can handle it.

“You can take a girl out of the country, but not the country out of the girl!”

My First One :)

So today, I got asked a really important question.  It made me think hard and long, and with the little experience on “love”  that I have, I couldn’t think of anything but a politically correct answer.  All my answers are politically correct by the way.  I just always think that’s what people want to hear and it’s what makes you look intellectual.  Well, I have learn to say “I just don’t know.”  Because when I bullshit my answer, it comes from the crap and false perceptions from the media.  Well, I realized that you can’t find life answers in books, tvs, and music.  It’s our individual experiences.  Yeah, all those things help us cope, but each one of us has our own story, perspective, and ending that no one really can define for us.

So, exactly what was I asked: Why is love so damn hard?  Why is it that when you find someone who you want to be with, that being actually being with them seems to be the hardest part?

Well, I wish I had the answer.  All I can do is pose more questions.

Is it us? I mean is something wrong with us?  Or is it them?  Well, maybe its the whole labels thing?  People don’t like to put a status on it.  Or maybe we are just going after the wrong ones.  The ones that we know we can’t ever have and we are setting ourselves to get hurt?  Maybe love isn’t the person that sweeps you off your feet, but the one that you can just say, “yeah i can live with them,” with a sluggish attitude.  Or maybe we just make oursleves like people so we are not lonely?  But honestly, I am not afraid to be alone.  Yeah, I mean I don’t want to, but I think it doesn’t scare me.  Why is it in human nature we need to feel so loved and nurtured?  And not only by just somebody, but a specific someone.  Is it culture that tells us we have one soul mate?  Or our we compatible with lots of people?

I don’t know maybe you guys have some answers.

Now, I am back to working my life away.

-P